I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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