so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
