all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
