Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
