She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
