He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
