I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
