Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
