I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
