Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Randomize
