and you said cock pushups were impossible
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
it's like heaven, but drunker
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
