I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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