he thought i was a dude.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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