i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
