I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
