I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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