Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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