For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
