you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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