This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
