it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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