Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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