My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize