And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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