He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
