Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
