Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
