best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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