Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
