She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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