i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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