I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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