when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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