I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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