My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
