Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
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