At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
