The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
