Can Purell be used as lube?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
