I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
