my shit smells like andre
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
