i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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