it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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