I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
