The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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