You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
