Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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