I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
