After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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