I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
