why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Less talking, more tequila
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
