apparently the secret to your success is patron
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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