i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
