i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
