I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
