So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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