Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
