whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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