not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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