Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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